I don't have very many memories of my mother. I didn't know her. There was a time when I was so embarrassed of her that it was easier to say I didn't have one.
My earliest memory involving my mother is of my father cutting the hair of my brother and I in the late 60's when I was around 5. He was giving us crew cuts with an electric shear. My mother was crying: "they look like convicts!".
I have always enjoyed cole slaw without knowing why. I'm searching for a cole slaw recipe I can't find. I often order cole slaw myself, or politely have other people's. My children don't like it. It was after my mother's death that I had a memory of her making it. It had coarse cabbage and dressing and little black seeds on top.
We lived in Needham, MA from about 1966 through 1974. My father was very busy, completing his Residency and teaching in Boston. My sister was born in 1967. After that, my mother suffered from severe post-partum depression. She became increasingly withdrawn until she was institutionalized in 1971. During that period when I was between ages four to eight, what I don't remember is bonding. I don't remember nurturing or connecting. I remember just having to watch her. I remember her just sitting in the living room looking pretty but sad, smoking and watching soap operas. She is a figure removed from me, like a picture in a magazine.
* * *
My mother was born in New York City in 1936 to Robert Birkin and Priscilla Lowe. She was born prematurely. In those days, they never allowed a mother to be with her child. There was no essential bonding.
Priscilla was Cum Laude from North Western, described as a "cold fish", "extremely competent", tall and good looking. Bob is described as an "interesting guy", who lost his father early on.
In 1948, Susan, age 12, lived with her sister Anne, age 10, and their cousin, Don, age 15 in Chagrin Falls, OH.
Priscilla is described as smoking all the time, even when cooking. She would read while cooking. She put the pot on the table in front of the kids and that was it. The kids never got hugged.
One time, Priscilla hired a construction team to build a village for wooden statues in their yard. It would hold the set of African figures they had acquired from all over the world. It looked like the Taj Mahal.
Bob is described as remote and not happy. He worked at Cleveland Crane Engineering.
As a child, Susan is described as super, open, full of love and welcoming. She was a straight A student.
Susan's sister Anne died of polio about 1950.
Not long after, Bob informed Don that they were getting divorced.
Priscilla was committed to Winsor Sanatorium for schizophrenia.
Later on, Priscilla was to live in Chicago and rented out the entire floor of the Drake Hotel.
In 1951, Bob remarried to Jean Reynolds. Jean is described as an "ice queen". Jean was very critical of Susan. Susan did not live up to Jean's expectations.
* * *
It is 1972, and I am visiting my mother at McLean hospital in Belmont MA.
You can read about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McLean_Hospital
It is a very exclusive and well-endowed clinic. It is a facility of Harvard University which is where my Father received his medical degree. The Nobel Prize winning mathematician, John Nash, was treated here. His life story was told in the book A Beautiful Mind, with a movie of the same name.
I remember being brought to visit and sitting in a central café under an atrium. My mother is brought out and joins us at the table. The children receive snacks from the snack-bar. She is quiet and withdrawn. There is nothing to say.
In 1973, my father went to see Bob to tell him that he and Susan were getting divorced. He said, Susan's not behaving. He said that he loved her, but she wasn't available. He said he would financially support her.
My memories from this time forward are a series of visitations.
After she left McLean, she lived at a half-way house in Boston. She held a job briefly.
In the mid-70's, my brother and I would be put on a Trailways bus to travel from Nashua NH to Boston. The Boston bus station was a scary place. Often times my mother would meet us, and we wouldn't even leave the terminal. One time, we got off the bus and there was no one there to meet us. I left messages repeatedly with my father's answering service. There was nothing for it except to wait until the time of the return ticket.
Don's sister, Helen, helped my Mother return to Cleveland around 1980. She was put in a half-way house, and was trained to get a job. She wasn't stable enough to keep a job. She is described as being two people. At times, she wouldn't know people and say "why are you here?" At other times, she would recognize the person, and she would also know that her world had changed.
She lived in a nursing home for many years. Her son Tom brought her to Maine for the final years of her life, where she was surrounded by family.
***
"Susan Birkin is Bride of Harvard Medical Student" reads the newspaper article. It is Jun of 1959. My parents are married at the Federated Church. The wedding is described as the culmination of a college romance, Susan having attended Smith and Charles attending Amherst, receiving their degrees in 1958. We are told the couple will honeymoon in Bermuda, and then Mr. Lees will continue his studies at Harvard.
I remember having seen a picture of my parents riding motor bikes on their honeymoon.
After the honeymoon, Susan is described as being changed. She confided that she didn't want to ride the motor bike, but he forced her to do it. One time not long there after she jumped up from the table and ran out of the room. The family explained it as "just nerves".
The pressure from my father and her step-mother was heavy. After she and Charles visit Bob and Jean, Susan is sharply criticized by Jean for looking disheveled after a nap. Charley doesn't respond but Don rises to her defense.
She is described as beginning to come unglued.
My parents lived in Boston while my father finished medical school. Susan wanted a TV. The story goes that my father didn't want a TV and wouldn't get her one because he claimed it would interfere with his studying. She was sad and unhappy.
At the time of my birth in 1963, my father is described as being happy and my mother enjoyed shopping for baby clothes.
She described as lovely, sweet, but sort of sad. She is described as being a little bewildered by life in general.
My father is described as being unsympathetic and giving little emotional support. It's described as a family trait. There wasn't much sympathy for weakness.
After my sister was born in 1967, Susan seemed to be at a loss for what to do. My grandmother told my mother that she should "pull herself together". Susan just sat there and cried, "But what does that mean?"
My earliest memory involving my mother is of my father cutting the hair of my brother and I in the late 60's when I was around 5. He was giving us crew cuts with an electric shear. My mother was crying: "they look like convicts!".
I have always enjoyed cole slaw without knowing why. I'm searching for a cole slaw recipe I can't find. I often order cole slaw myself, or politely have other people's. My children don't like it. It was after my mother's death that I had a memory of her making it. It had coarse cabbage and dressing and little black seeds on top.
We lived in Needham, MA from about 1966 through 1974. My father was very busy, completing his Residency and teaching in Boston. My sister was born in 1967. After that, my mother suffered from severe post-partum depression. She became increasingly withdrawn until she was institutionalized in 1971. During that period when I was between ages four to eight, what I don't remember is bonding. I don't remember nurturing or connecting. I remember just having to watch her. I remember her just sitting in the living room looking pretty but sad, smoking and watching soap operas. She is a figure removed from me, like a picture in a magazine.
* * *
My mother was born in New York City in 1936 to Robert Birkin and Priscilla Lowe. She was born prematurely. In those days, they never allowed a mother to be with her child. There was no essential bonding.
Priscilla was Cum Laude from North Western, described as a "cold fish", "extremely competent", tall and good looking. Bob is described as an "interesting guy", who lost his father early on.
In 1948, Susan, age 12, lived with her sister Anne, age 10, and their cousin, Don, age 15 in Chagrin Falls, OH.
Priscilla is described as smoking all the time, even when cooking. She would read while cooking. She put the pot on the table in front of the kids and that was it. The kids never got hugged.
One time, Priscilla hired a construction team to build a village for wooden statues in their yard. It would hold the set of African figures they had acquired from all over the world. It looked like the Taj Mahal.
Bob is described as remote and not happy. He worked at Cleveland Crane Engineering.
As a child, Susan is described as super, open, full of love and welcoming. She was a straight A student.
Susan's sister Anne died of polio about 1950.
Not long after, Bob informed Don that they were getting divorced.
Priscilla was committed to Winsor Sanatorium for schizophrenia.
Later on, Priscilla was to live in Chicago and rented out the entire floor of the Drake Hotel.
In 1951, Bob remarried to Jean Reynolds. Jean is described as an "ice queen". Jean was very critical of Susan. Susan did not live up to Jean's expectations.
* * *
It is 1972, and I am visiting my mother at McLean hospital in Belmont MA.
You can read about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McLean_Hospital
It is a very exclusive and well-endowed clinic. It is a facility of Harvard University which is where my Father received his medical degree. The Nobel Prize winning mathematician, John Nash, was treated here. His life story was told in the book A Beautiful Mind, with a movie of the same name.
I remember being brought to visit and sitting in a central café under an atrium. My mother is brought out and joins us at the table. The children receive snacks from the snack-bar. She is quiet and withdrawn. There is nothing to say.
In 1973, my father went to see Bob to tell him that he and Susan were getting divorced. He said, Susan's not behaving. He said that he loved her, but she wasn't available. He said he would financially support her.
My memories from this time forward are a series of visitations.
After she left McLean, she lived at a half-way house in Boston. She held a job briefly.
In the mid-70's, my brother and I would be put on a Trailways bus to travel from Nashua NH to Boston. The Boston bus station was a scary place. Often times my mother would meet us, and we wouldn't even leave the terminal. One time, we got off the bus and there was no one there to meet us. I left messages repeatedly with my father's answering service. There was nothing for it except to wait until the time of the return ticket.
Don's sister, Helen, helped my Mother return to Cleveland around 1980. She was put in a half-way house, and was trained to get a job. She wasn't stable enough to keep a job. She is described as being two people. At times, she wouldn't know people and say "why are you here?" At other times, she would recognize the person, and she would also know that her world had changed.
She lived in a nursing home for many years. Her son Tom brought her to Maine for the final years of her life, where she was surrounded by family.
***
"Susan Birkin is Bride of Harvard Medical Student" reads the newspaper article. It is Jun of 1959. My parents are married at the Federated Church. The wedding is described as the culmination of a college romance, Susan having attended Smith and Charles attending Amherst, receiving their degrees in 1958. We are told the couple will honeymoon in Bermuda, and then Mr. Lees will continue his studies at Harvard.
I remember having seen a picture of my parents riding motor bikes on their honeymoon.
After the honeymoon, Susan is described as being changed. She confided that she didn't want to ride the motor bike, but he forced her to do it. One time not long there after she jumped up from the table and ran out of the room. The family explained it as "just nerves".
The pressure from my father and her step-mother was heavy. After she and Charles visit Bob and Jean, Susan is sharply criticized by Jean for looking disheveled after a nap. Charley doesn't respond but Don rises to her defense.
She is described as beginning to come unglued.
My parents lived in Boston while my father finished medical school. Susan wanted a TV. The story goes that my father didn't want a TV and wouldn't get her one because he claimed it would interfere with his studying. She was sad and unhappy.
At the time of my birth in 1963, my father is described as being happy and my mother enjoyed shopping for baby clothes.
She described as lovely, sweet, but sort of sad. She is described as being a little bewildered by life in general.
My father is described as being unsympathetic and giving little emotional support. It's described as a family trait. There wasn't much sympathy for weakness.
After my sister was born in 1967, Susan seemed to be at a loss for what to do. My grandmother told my mother that she should "pull herself together". Susan just sat there and cried, "But what does that mean?"
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